Shameless Pile of Stuff

Major League 2
Warner Bros., Morgan Creek Productions, USA, 1994.

Oh boy, oh boy oh boy! (in Donald Duck's voice) I visited a thrift store and managed to find the Major League-film that was missing from my collection.

After the events of first film, the Indians-team has been sold to Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen). Old star players voodooman Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert), Willie Mays Hayes (Omar Epps replacing first movie's Wesley Snipes), Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger) and Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) are still in the game. New additions to the team are Jake's nemesis Jack Parkman (David Keith) and rookie Rube Baker (Eric Bruskotter). However success has gone to the heads of the old players. Cerrano found peace & love and is now free from anger (sissy), which is not good for the game. The fighting spirit is gone and money, PR-events and acting careers are more important than the game. Jake is past his prime as a professional player, but has to try a career as a coach when old coach Lou (James Gammon) goes to hospital.

Jake

Cerrano

Omar Epps and Jesse Ventura in Black Hammer & White Lightning

Willie in action movie with Jesse Ventura. I'd watch this.

There are only two months to get the game going, before Dorn is forced to sell the team. Hiroshi "Kamikaze" Tanaka (Takaaki Ishibashi) tries to teach Samurai spirit to Cerrano. Vaughn has a new calculating manager/lady friend Rebecca (Alison Doody, known for "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade") but nice social worker Nikki (Michelle Burke) from his past appears. If the first movie had a romantic side plot with Jake and Lynn, this time Vaughn's love life is in the spotlight. Former juvenile delinquent Vaighn tried to mend his ways but in the process he became dull. How to get his game together, that is the problem.

Tanaka

Rube

Five years have passed since the prequel (about on year in Major League's timeline) but otherwise the passing of time is not noticeable except some actors look older. It is a nice sequel and the fans of the first film shouldn't be too disappointed although the story is a tamer variation of first movie's story about ups and downs of the Indians. The humour is quite faithful to the first movie and also it was good that most of the actors of the first film reprised their roles. Rube Baker was a funny character with his scatterbrain anecdotes. His quotes are pure gold. "When a man's lights are about to go out the fat lady can't sing if it's not over!"

Vaughn

Rebecca

Nikki

Drunk announcer Harry Doyle (Bob Uecker) appears again. Randy Quaid has a cameo role as disgruntled Indians fan and Rene Russo quickly appears as Lynn.

Harry Doyle

Unhappy Indians fan

Rating:

Good

Starring: Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Corbin Bernsen, Dennis Haysbert, James Gammon, Omar Epps, Eric Bruskotter, Takaaki Ishibashi, Alison Doody, Michelle Burke, David Keith, Margaret Whitton, Bob Uecker, Steve Yeager, Kevin Hickey, Skip Griparis, Kevin Crowley, Bill Leff, Michael Mundra, Courtney Pee, Farajii Rasulallah, Edward Woodson, Ted Duncan, Marie-Louise White, Saige Spinney, Michael Willis, Jason Kravits, Alan Wade, Keith Johnson, Jay Leno, Susan Duvall, Ron Meadows Jr., Jesse Ventura, Keith Uchima, Kurt Uchima, Richard Salamanca, Harold Surratt, Daniel O'Donnell, Richard Schiff, Louis Turenne, Patrick Robert Smith, Dan Kilday, Barry Cochran, William Reuter, Ken Medlock, Michael Stone Forrest, David Boswell, Skip Apple, Bob Roesner, Stefan Aleksander, Dick Stilwell, David Sherrill, J. Michael Sarbaugh, Jeff Sheaffer, Tom Quinn, John Milisitz, Jim Dedrick, Bobb Hopkins, Bobby Joe Brown, Wayne Crist, Julia Miller, Ashton Smith, Rene Russo, Randy Quaid

Director: David S. Ward

Kill Zombie! a.k.a Zombibi a.k.a. Shouf Shouf Zombibi
Launch Works, Talent United Film & TV, The Netherlands, 2012.

Aziz (Yahya Gaier) is a office worker who gets a date with her dream girl Tess (Nadia Poeschmann). Aziz's no-good brother Mo (Mimoun Ouled Radi) gets him fired. Also a fight at Mo's party gets them in slammer with tough but dumb guys Jeffrey (Sergio Hasselbaink) and Nolan (Uriah Arnhem). There is also a man in suit named Joris (Noel Deelen). In consequence Aziz's date is ruined. Sad.

Tess and Aziz

While the boys sit in cell a falling space station causes a zombie apocalypse. Tough cop Kim (Gigi Ravelli) and the guys try to survive. Tess is trapped in the office buidling so she must be saved. But Joris has big plans about bank robbery. With the law gone nothing can go wrong, right?

Noel Deelen, Mimoun Ouled Radi, Uriah Arnhem, Yahya Gaier and Sergio Hasselbaink

Joris, Mo, Nolan, Aziz and Jeffrey

Kim

"Zombieland" and "Shaun of the Dead" inspired several zombie-comedies, some good and some worse. Another non-English zombie-film that benefited from the ethnic setting was Cuban horror-comedy "Juan of the Dead." Dutch splatter-comedy has gory action although zombie blood is green. The oddball characters are quite fun. Aziz is the regular good guy who has a goofy brother Mo. Kim is a tough and gorgeous lady cop. Nolan gets his fingers stuck in bowling ball, but finds it a good weapon to smash zombie heads. Jeffrey on the other hand prefers using highly unpractical weapons.

Even less practical weapon than it seems

Zombie playground

The Kebab-guys the Barachi's (Yesser Roshdy and Iliass Ojja) are kick-ass but why on-earth they had a tame zombie in their trunk? Who cares, it was still a funny scene. The jumpy transitions leave some things open, but the plot itself treads on the familiar territory. The Dutch setting, weird humour and the absurdity of the situations spice up the story and make it fun to watch although it often feels nodding too much to the other similar films. Some Dutch celebrities appear: Dutch singer Ben Saunders has a bad day and Dutch newscaster Jan de Hoop is impersonated by imitator Carlo Boszhard.

The Barachi's

Ben Saunders

Rating:

Good

Starring: Yahya Gaier, Mimoun Ouled Radi, Gigi Ravelli, Sergio Hasselbaink, Uriah Arnhem, Noel Deelen, Nadia Poeschmann, Carlo Boszhard, Yesser Roshdy, Iliass Ojja, Frans van Deursen, Kees Boot, Wart Kamps, Tim Kamps, Loek Peters, Michiel Romeyn, Edo Brunner, Remy Bonjasky, Rik Sinkeldam, Ben Saunders, Kenan Raven, Patrick Neumann, Theo Struijk, Isabel Toren, Wouter Braaf, Jan Doense, Bernd Neunzling

Directors: Martijn Smits, Erwin van den Eshof

Skypirates (1986) a.k.a Dakota Harris
John Lamond Motion Picture Enterprises, Australia, USA, 1986.

Apparently Erich von Däniken was right, and in the ancient times extraterrestrials visited Earth and constructed cool monuments. In 1886 stone tablet was found on Easter Island but it broke into three pieces. When combined, the table would give its owner unimaginable powers. And the Easter Islanders used the alien powers to erect gigantic stone heads? Seems legit to me.

In 1945 Aussie pilot Lt. Dakota Harris (John Hargreaves) gets a mission to fly a cargo plane to USA. Actually the first name Dakota comes from the German title of the movie, being a playful reference to C-47 airplane used in the movie and Indiana Jones. The cargo is important as it is disguised as whiskey shipment. And so it goes that the stone table that is hidden in the whiskey boxes gets drunk (obviously) and causes a storm in time. The time warp causes e.g. visions of modern fighter planes and flying stone heads. After the fun the plane crashes into sea killing most of the crew.

Dakota Harris

Rev. Mitchell (Simon Chilvers) and Savage (Max Phipps)

The stranded survivors find a spooky graveyard of lost ships. The ship from the Philadelphia Experiment is there too. It is better to not stay there too long or they will get trapped in time. After spending days in lifeboat Harris, his superior Savage (Max Phipps) and scientist Reverend Mitchell (Simon Chilvers) are saved. Somehow they are thousands of miles from where their airplane was lost.

Savage tries to put the blame about the accident on Harris, but he daringly escapes before he is sent to jail. Reverend's daughter Melanie Mitchell (Meredith Phillips) asks Harris to find her missing dad. But a Savage killer is after her in a museum. Hey, Mel don't get trapped under a screaming mummy! Savage tries to kill Melanie dropping a hand grenade into Melanie's elevator, but luckily it only blows a hole in the floor, sending a poor cleaning lady into abyss. Can Harris save Mel before it is too late? But Melanie is not as helpless as it seems and she can be feisty when she wants to be. In bar fights he punches like a Manly Man being on par with hard-fisted Harris. In the air there is a sense of big adventure!

Melanie Mitchell

Screaming mummy was quite random

The heroes fly around the Pacific to find missing dad and at the same time getting information about the lost stone tables. The trip is dangerous both on air and land, on air the threat comes from enemy fighters and on land there are bandits. There is also time for romance. The story climaxes on the Easter Island much like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"-lite.

Adventurer's normal day

The movie feels like a pastiche of Indiana Jones and adventure movies of Steven Spielberg, drawing inspiration from popularity of paranormal phenomena in the 1980s. Therefore it feels like pulpy B-movie version of its predecessors. Although it is not on the level of the originals, there is a fun adventure and plucky heroes, it even enjoys a small cult reputation in Germany. Random humour comes from some absurd situations. In one scene a girl pushes a fat man out of tavern. Then Harris gets information by playing Russian Roulette and quotes Dirty Harry. And in Australia there are always motorized desert gangs à la Mad Max. When Harris needs a plane, he buys it from always laughing funnyman Hayes (David Parker) for a roll of money and a bottle of beer. After a slowish start there is a lot of action in 85 minutes. It is in no means a masterpiece but weird enough 1980s adventure.

Time to go home, fatty!

Always cool Moai-statues

Music was composed by Brian May (not from Queen). As a curiosity there is also young Hugo Weaving in small role as thug.

Hugo Weaving as Thug

But why was it called Sky Pirates? Umm, i don't know. There are airplanes but no no pirates.

Rating:

Good

Starring: John Hargreaves, Meredith Phillips, Max Phipps, Bill Hunter, Simon Chilvers, Alex Scott, David Parker, Adrian Wright, Peter Cummins, Tommy Dysart, Arron Wayne Cull, Alex Menglet, Nigel Bradshaw, Chris Gregory, John Murphy, Victor Kazan, Clive Hearne, Bill Fozz, Hayes Gordon, Adam Joseph, Hugo Weaving

Director: Colin Eggleston

Air Panic a.k.a Panic
Nu Image, Millennium Films, USA, India, 2001.

Terrorist hackers remote control airplanes and cause deadly crashes. This time the culprit is not an Islamistic fanatic but a crazy computer genius Cain (Alexander Enberg). Federal Aviation Administration analyst Neil (Rodney Rowland) tries to tell that the new Oxceelis-computer chip is easy to hack, but do his superiors believe him. Oh no they don't.

Neil

Cain

Air hostess Josie (Kristanna Loken, before her role in "Terminator 3") has a last day at work. She plans to open a company selling hippity-hoppity clothes. Neil tracks the next possible target for the terrorist attack, and gets on board the plane. Unluckily for Josie it is her plane. And so Cain hijacks the plane and plans to strike Washington DC. The pilot is injured and Cain is listening every discussion in the cockpit, so how to cut the remote control is the million dollar question.

Josie

Along the passengers are annoying besserwisser Ray (Billy 'Sly' Williams), mysterious woman Bernadette (Barbara Carrera) and workaholic Doctor Philip (Gulshan Grover) with his family. Somehow all of them become important for the survival of the passengers. Although Ray's importance vas vague to me, i must have blinked at the wrong moment.

Ray

Bernadette

Doctor Philip

Direct-to-video Terrorsploitation was filmed in 2001 but apparently it was unreleased until 2003 in USA after 9/11 strikes. Understandably so as the airplanes striking buildings feel unnervingly prophetic. The movie is not as bad I was hoping but not nearly good enough to be memorable. Basic thriller repeats the usual tricks of airplane disaster films. Airplanes crash and some passengers are given more screentime to make them sympathetic. If there was something going in the direction of real drama, it was Captain O'Kelly (Ted Shackelford) and Bernadette getting acquainted. Kristanna Loken is pleasant to watch and Alexander Enberg boasts entertainingly as a psycho, while the other actors feel average at best.

Rating:

Average

Starring: Rodney Rowland, Kristanna Loken, Alexander Enberg, Ted Shackelford, Barbara Carrera, Scott Michael Campbell, Tucker Smallwood, Billy 'Sly' Williams, David Bowe, John Bishop, Boti Bliss, Tereza Rizzardi, Gulshan Grover, Duke Stroud, Sanyogetta, Armaan Kandhari, Bob Misiorowski, Stephen David, Scott Putman, Roly Jansen, Rashmi Sharma, Brian O'Sullivan, Shaun White, Lalith Sharma, Grant Hulley, Tiger Ali Razavi, Samsher Pawer, Lucky Louie
Director: Bob Misiorowski

Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 a.k.a Rough Sky
Carlton America, Tele München Fernseh Produktionsgesellschaft (TMG) USA, Germany, Canada, 2001.

First Officer Mike Hogan (Eric Roberts) has a trauma because of a failed crash landing years ago. He is assigned as replacement co-pilot on short notice as no one else is available. Flight attendants Katy (Alexandra Paul from "Baywatch" and "Melrose Place") and Tracey (Anne Openshaw) try their best to serve the spoiled passengers. There are students, soccer player Ty (Mark Lutz) and airplane engineer Roger (Russell Yuen). On the flight there is also convicted murderer Grant Blyth (Dean McDermott) on his way to prison escorted by Detective Muldoon (John Furey).

Mike Hogan

Katy

Tracey

Captain Jack Brooks (Kevin Jubinville) is pompous and full of himself. Captain Jack (hey yo captain Jack!) believes in the flawless modern flight technology but Mike is an old school pilot (of the Real Men(TM) era) who believes that pilot's skills are important when the technology fails.

Detective Muldoon and Grant Blyth

Wrongly attached shipping container gets loose, breaks cargo bay door and causes a pressure leak. Storm hits the plane and Mike must get it to safety. Heroics await for the brave passengers too.

Although it was meant to be a realistic drama about airplane passengers in dire situation, after the accident struck it went kind of silly. When Captain Jack got concussion, he was all like "lemme fly, lemme fly!" And Mike was like "Nope." Then Jack was tied to a seat to let Mike fly in peace.

Grant tries to escape, but where would he go? Worst of all, VIP Mr. Matthews (Carlo Rota) runs of whiskey. Grant has also piloting skills so he can help Mike. But the darn computer breaks and won't let the Real Men(TM) fly! (Unrealistic? Just wait when self-driving cars decide that the shortest route goes through a brick wall!)

Mr. Matthews

I won't let you fly!

There are also Real Women(TM). Katy and Tracey use their wits to calm the panicking or arrogant passengers and Icelandic air traffic controller Sara Lundattir (Leah Pinsent) has a rough night shift.

Sara Lundattir

Roger and Mike

TV-movie is quite light to watch, with some thrills, heroics and unintentional comedy. The traditional script could be from 1970s airplane disaster film, and it is just the type of film "Airplane!" parodied. Eric Roberts does a solid role and the other actors are decent too. As a TV-movie it goes but otherwise there's nothing too special.

Rating:

Average

Starring: Eric Roberts, Alexandra Paul, Anne Openshaw, Kevin Jubinville, Russell Yuen, Mark Lutz, Sergio Di Zio, Carlo Rota, Dean McDermott, John Furey, Ryan Scott, Kelly Ivey, Susan Aceron, Eliza Roberts, Daryn Jones, Leah Pinsent, Andrew Gillies, Larissa Gomes, Alexis Cassar
Director: Jon Cassar

Hercules (Ercole)
Cannon Italia Srl, Golan-Globus Productions, Italy, USA, 1983.

The film begins with the creation of the world when Pandora's Jar appears in space. Jar jar breaks and forms the planets. The breaking of the jar releases also evil forces which is bad. In the battle of good and evil the humans must show what they're made of. The Gods living in Moon prepare to watch how the battle will end (only popcorn is missing). Hera (Rossana Podestà) roots for evil and Athene (Delia Boccardo) roots for good. To balance the battle, Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) creates powerful hero Hercules (Lou Ferrigno)! He is raised in Thebes as son of King.

Hercules

Zeus

Hera's Sacred Sword is stolen and traitors working for King Minos (William Berger) murder Hercules' parents. One of the maids puts baby Hercules into boat (and so Golan-Globus tied this story to the legend of Moses). Zeus offers a helping hand to keep the boat safe. Hera does not like that and plans to destroy Hercules. And so baby Hercules does his first heroic act by destroying two big rubber snakes.

Athene

Hera

A couple of farmers (let's just call them Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru) (Stelio Candelli and Gabriella Giorgelli) find the baby and raises him as their own son. Hercules grows up and trains his strength using Conan's Wheel of Pain Fitness Method(TM). Muscles are useful for farm jobs as the family does not need an ox to plow the field. Also uprooting trees with bare hands is a good workout. Hera's bear kills Uncle Owen (as Hercules' unlucky foster parents are short-lived), so the muscleman throws the pesky teddy into space. And so the constellation of Great Bear was born.

We do not need ox!

It becomes common that Hercules throws a lot of stuff into space. Here's a log flying through space.

Space log

King Minos (William Berger) believes in science (Science for the sake of Science!) and asks Daedalus (Eva Robins) to help kill Hercules. Daedalus sends mechanical monsters after Hercules but Minos is clearly unhappy to see how small they are. The first monster does not hurt Hercules but manages to kill Aunt Beru and that makes Hercules angry.

Daedalus

King Minos

There's nothing to gain from farm life, so Hercules seeks to do heroic deeds. Hercules has to prove his strength to King Augeias (Brad Harris). After that he has to clean the stables of 1000 horses. Princess Cassiopeia (Ingrid Anderson) falls in love with him but the gods have other plans. Hera's favourite, naughty Minean Princess Adriana (Sybil Danning) kidnaps Cassiopeia with help from traitorous advisor Dorcon (Yehuda Efroni).

Cassiopeia

Not at all suspicious looking King's Advisor Dorcon

Hercules swims to Sorceress Circe's (Mirella D'Angelo) island. Old granny offers some warm tea, then demands to get a small amount of Hercules' blood. It is a fair trade as the granny turns into beautiful sorceress. Hercules and Circe visit many places and even detach continent of Africa from Europe.

Xenodama, King of Africa (Bobby Rhodes)

After adventuring with Circe, the final quest is rescuing Cassiopeia from Thera. Thera is actually built above Atlantis, so Hercules contributes to the destruction of Atlantis too as collateral damage. Oops!

Nice granny offers some tea

Circe

Golan-Globus- duo produced a wacky mythical adventure with awesome cheese, vintage special effects and gorgeous women in skimpy dresses. Freely interpreted mythical story is combined with scifi-elements. It is nice that although being often clumsy, the special effects are still old school stop-motion effects. It is not Ray Harryhausen, but it has its moments. Fans of B-grade peplums find a lot of fun in this movie. Hercules fighting a laser-shooting metal centaur on a green planet with three moons shining on the sky, how awesome is that? Interestingly there is a lava pit sacrifice attempt oddly similar to "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" that was made year later. "The Incredible Hulk"-star Lou Ferrigno has Herculean physique, being one of the bulkiest actors to play Hercules, and the script gives him every opportunity to use his muscles. As often in Hercules-movies, the hero has several scenes where he is chained and the he breaks the chains. Lovably camp movie experience throughout.

Metal centaur vs a man with a club

Adriana and Cassiopeia

Saved from the lava pit

Rating:

Very good

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, Brad Harris, Sybil Danning, Rossana Podestà, Ingrid Anderson, Mirella D'Angelo, William Berger, Bobby Rhodes, Gianni Garko (as John Garko), Yehuda Efroni, Delia Boccardo, Claudio Cassinelli, Franco Garofalo (as Frank Garland), Gabriella Giorgelli (as Gabriella George), Raf Baldassarre (as Ralph Baldassar), Stelio Candelli (as Steven Candell), Valentina Montanari (as Valerie Montanari), Rocco Lerro (as Roger Larry), Eva Robins (as Eva Robbins, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Anthony La Penna, Edward Mannix, Mindi Miller, Marc Smith, Susan Spafford
Director: Luigi Cozzi

The Adventures of Hercules II a.k.a Hercules II a.k.a The Adventures of Hercules (Le avventure dell'incredibile Ercole)

Cannon Italia Srl, Italy, USA, The Netherlands, 1985.

Envious Gods steal Seven Thunderbolts of Zeus and evil forces are released on Earth. Moon is about to collide with Earth so someone has to do something. Humans are sacrificing maidens to Antios the Fire Monster. Sisters Urania (Milly Carlucci) and Glaucia (Sonia Viviani) are trying to destroy the monster and ask help from the little people. The little people tell that Hercules (Lou Ferrigno) can help them. Since the last movie, Hercules has become a constellation but Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) sends the beefy hero back to Earth.

Glaucia

Urania

Zeus

As soon as Hercules has arrived, he is attacked by a wookie. After punching the stuffing out of it, Hercules finds the first Thunderbolt. Meanwhile rebellious Gods and Goddesses Flora (Laura Lenzi), Poseidon (Ferdinando Poggi), Aphrodite (Margie Newton) and Hera (Maria Rosaria Omaggio) use major blood donation from Atreus (Raf Baldassarre) to resurrect King Minos (William Berger). Meanwhile Glaucia meets Hercules but slime people (eeeww) have kidnapped Urania (Milly Carlucci).

Hercules

Furry monster

Hera

Goddess Euryale (Serena Grandi) turns humans into stone. Hercules would make a fine door stopper but he disagrees. Euryale's henchmen green laser men(?!) are only an easy practise. Euryale requires a more careful approach as her gaze is lethal.

The Gods shouldn't have trusted Minos as he and evil scientist Daedalos (Eva Robins) plan to use Ice Sword to destroy the Gods. Hercules also visits Mermaid Thetis (Sandra Venturini) who gives Hercules powers to destroy Antios. But enemies do not finish there as evil amazons and spider queen Arachne (Pamela Prati) make life difficult for Hercules and friends.

Minos

Thetis

Aphrodite

It has the same kind of silly fun as the prequel. The plot does not matter so much, as long as there are wild and crazy events happening. The film is stuffed with mythical creatures, so even most boss battles are quick. Sometimes it feels like a Japanese rubber monster movie, as monsters jump out everywhere like ninjas. And the end fight has King Kong vs Godzilla in space, I'm not kidding. The previous film had Hercules epically pushing apart the continents of Europe and Africa. This time Hercules tops that and pushes apart Earth and Moon when they are about to crash. If a third movie was ever made, what would there have been left to push apart? Galaxies?

Hercules triumphant

Space King Kong vs Space Godzilla

The handmade monster effects of the previous movie are now mostly replaced by animation and rotoscoping effects. But there is a stopmotion fight with Euryale that nods to Ray Harryhausen's Medusa battle in the original "Clash of the Titans." Otherwise the regular enemies are men in rubber suits. I wouldn't be surprised if the slime people- costumes were leftoevers from zome zombie film.

Euryale

The filming sets are quite exhilarating. The architecture constantly uses massive heads. We're not in Kansas anymore.

Flora's temple

Euryale's lair

The dimension of the little people

Lou Ferrigno's wife Carla appears as Godddess Athena.

Athena

Rating:

Very good

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, Milly Carlucci, Sonia Viviani, William Berger, Carla Ferrigno, Claudio Cassinelli, Ferdinando Poggi, Maria Rosaria Omaggio, Venantino Venantini, Laura Lenzi, Margie Newton, Cindy Leadbetter, Raf Baldassarre, Serena Grandi, Eva Robins, Sandra Venturini, Andrea Belfiore, Alessandra Canale, Pamela Prati, Christina Basili, Paola Marcari
Director: Luigi Cozzi

Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Cannon Films, USA, Italy, Iraq 1989.

Claimed to be based on Edgar Allan Poe's story "The Thousand and Second Tale of Scheherazade," but we only believe it because they say so.

Mother (Daria Nicolodi, known for Dario Argento's giallo films) reads her daughter a bedtime story about brave hero Sinbad the Sailor.

Buffed-up sailor named Sinbad (Lou Ferrigno) sails the seas with his merry men Prince Ali (Roland Wybenga), Viking (Ennio Girolami), Bald Cook (Yehuda Efroni), Chinese Soldier of Fortune Cantu (Hal Yamanouchi) and Poochie the Dwarf (Cork Hubbert). In Basra kind Caliph (Donald Hodson) rules the happy city. Princess Alina (Alessandra Martines) is awaiting for Ali. Evil Vizier Jaffar (John Steiner) wants to be caliph instead of the caliph and uses black magic to mesmerize the city making everyone mindless puppets.

Sinbad

Alina

Jaffar

So when Sinbad returns, there is nobody to welcome him. Unacceptable. Sinbad marches to the palace to see what is the problem. Jaffar throws Sinbad into dungeon and his friends have to save him but they get captured too. So Sinbad has to free himself using a rope made of snakes(!) Meanwhile Jaffar tries to corrupt the Princess and hides the magic jewels that protect the city. The Princess is tied to acrylic machine where colourful juice flows in tubes.

Sinbad's crew

Prince Ali

Tight spot

Jaffar has also ally, mercenary friend or whatever Soukra (1980s bodybuilder Teagan Clive) whose function is to sarcastically comment on Jaffar's failed attempts to destroy Sinbad. The dialogue hints that there was about to be Soukra's and Ali's duel but nothing such ever happens. In the end she is even partying with the heroes, who would have thought about that.

Jaffar and Soukra

Undead horrors, Amazons and rock monsters guard the gems. Amazon Queen Farida (Melonee Rodgers) can suck man's will away. And so the Amazon gymnasts capture the whole crew. Amazon Queen goes for the alpha male and vamps Sinbad. But once the curse is broken, the Queen is not so hot anymore. Bye!

Farida

On another island there are undead suits of armour (raising from the dead like the "Blind Dead"), jumping zombies but also eccentric Wizard Nadir (Leo Gullotta) and his nice daughter Kira (Stefania Girolami Goodwin) who gets kidnapped by hideous laser-shooting Zombie King. Jaffar is watching the show so Sinbad boasts like a pro-wrestler everytime he gets a gem. Curiously when there is a fight Sinbad always throws his scimitar away and trusts his muscles instead.

Kira

Leo Gullotta, Stefania Girolami Goodwin and Lou Ferrigno

Balloon ride

I'm gonna get ya!

Enzo G. Castellari knocks off American Sinbad-films, and even taking couple of sets from Lou Ferrigno's Hercules-films. Dov Seltzer's synth-heavy soundtrack sounds typical for the Italian cinema of the 1980s but it is highly anachronistic for a peplum film.

Whereas the Hercules film tried to take the subject seriously (albeit with unintended hilarity) Sinbad does not even try. The beginning still goes on like a regular peplum, but then it goes into silly mode. Every scene with Jaffar is a riot as he delivers ham like it was Christmas coming. And the dialogue is such that the makers cannot have been serious. Of the crew Bald Cook and Poochie are the comical duo. Originally Luigi Cozzi was going to direct it but Enzo was called instead. The film was made in 1986, but shelved for three years (not a good sign) and in 1989 Cozzi was hired to save what could be saved and complete the unfinished film making the end results even more confusing. The result is an entertaining trainwreck that alternates between awesomely cheesy and so bad it is good. Although the story is childish, echoes from Italo-horror make this difficult to market as a family-oriented film.

This is an incredibly fun movie. And this film has even two Lou Ferrignos!

Rating:

So bad it is good or

Very good

Starring: Lou Ferrigno, John Steiner, Roland Wybenga, Ennio Girolami, Hal Yamanouchi, Yehuda Efroni, Alessandra Martines, Teagan Clive, Leo Gullotta, Stefania Girolami Goodwin , Donald Hodson, Melonee Rodgers, Cork Hubbert, Romano Puppo, Attilio Cesare Lo Pinto, Armando MacRory, Giada Cozzi, Daria Nicolodi, Ted Rusoff, Massimo Vanni

Directors: Enzo G. Castellari, Luigi Cozzi (uncredited)

The Incredible Hulk Returns
Bixby-Brandon Productions, New World Television, USA, 1988.

The TV-series "The Incredible Hulk" was followed by trilogy of TV-movies. At the moment I have two of those.

David Banner (Bill Bixby) (not Bruce as in the comics) has been living peacefully for a few years. Thinking about his girlfriend Maggie (Lee Purcell) has kept the angry side persona Hulk from appearing. But one day David plans to use new revolutionary Gamma Transponder to destroy Hulk once and for all.

Maggie and David Banner

Gamma Transponder

Donald Blake

But before he can do that, Donald Blake (Steve Levitt) visits him and shows an old hammer he found in Norway. It is more than just a cool souvenir, as Blake can use the hammer to call a mighty viking warrior Thor (Eric Allan Kramer). Odin has ordered Thor to do heroic acts before he can enter Valhalla. Still Donald has similar problems as David, as Thor has become a part of his personality. Perplexed by modern technology, Thor breaks expensive equipment in the laboratory. That makes David turn into a green monster man Hulk (Lou Ferrigno). Hulk angry!

Hulk

Thor

After mutual buttkicking, Thor and Hulk decide to be friends. In the 1980s there are no monsters to battle, so Blake takes homesick Thor to the biker bar. This is how to have fun in the 1980s! Chugging beer, flirting with girls and picking a random bar fight makes Thor feel at home. As a small sideplot nosy reporter Jack McGee (Jack Colvin) tries to expose Hulk's identity but Thor helps David remain incognito.

Jack McGee

But the superheroes need something important to do. Spies try to steal the Gamma Transponder. Jack (Tim Thomerson) and his henchmen Mike (Charles Napier) and Barner (Carl Ciarfalio) get pounded by Hulk first, but then they decide to kidnap David and Maggie. The bad boys manage only to kidnap the later as David turns into Hulk and also Thor comes to help.

Charles Napier, Tim Thomerson, Carl Ciarfalio

Mike, Jack and Barner

Hulk & Thor

As this is and not a modern ADHD-adventure, the style is quite different. The superpowers are quite limited nad Thor is not a God but a strong Viking warrior. This is a clasical style TV-scifi drama with moodiness of David Banner being balanced by jovial Thor. Lou Ferrigno does very little acting here, his work is to look angry and do the action scenes, with Bill Bixby taking care of the drama. The overall tone is quite melancholic with David never cetting along with his angry side, whereas Donald and Thor find a balance. Also it was a new idea to put two Marvel superheroes in the same film. Fans of vintage TV-shows and classical style superhero stories should enjoy this.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Bill Bixby, Lou Ferrigno, Jack Colvin, Lee Purcell, Charles Napier, John Gabriel, Jay Baker, Tim Thomerson, Eric Allan Kramer, Steve Levitt, William Riley, Tom Finnegan, Donald Willis, Carl Ciarfalio, Bobby McLaughlin, Burke Denis, Nick Costa, Peisha Arten, William Malone, Joan Douglas, John Novak
Directors: Nicholas Corea, Bill Bixby

The Trial of the Incredible Hulk
Bixby-Brandon Productions, New World International, USA, Canada, 1989.

David 'Belson' a.k.a Banner (Bill Bixby) has gone incognito and lives doing odd jobs. Work is hard and the boss is a sadist. As living in the country is not good for his anger management, he visits New York City. But in no time he gets in trouble again.

David Banner

Hulk

Crime lord Wilson Fisk (John Rhys-Davies) a.k.a Kingpin has arranged a jewelry heist. Two Kingpin's thugs harass a woman named Ellie Mendez (Marta DuBois) in subway, so Banner gets angry and turns into Hulk (Lou Ferrigno) tossing the evil-doers like sacks of potatoes. As an innocent bystander is killed by a stray bullet, the cops arrest David who is conveniently at the crime scene. Also Ellie is threatened so she has to testify against Banner. Blind lawyer Matt Murdock (Rex Smith) wants to help him. Matt has a superhuman hearing and his alter ego is crime fighter Daredevil.

Wilson Fisk

Ellie Mendez

Matt Murdock

The crooks are trying to kill both Ellie and David, so Daredevil must keep them both alive. Banner is going to trial but the excitement is too much. Hulk can be seen destroying a court room but that wouldn't be proper behaviour for a comic hero so it was all just a dream. Still David thinks that would really happen and so Hulk escapes jail.

Daredevil

Nasty Nurse (Linda Darlow)

Kingpin's assistant Edgar (Nicholas Hormann)

The story is better than in the previous film. The Marvel Universe starts to expand, making steps that the big budget films followed years later. But more than a Hulk-movie this is Daredevil's movie. And so Hulk is absent from the final battle letting Daredevil do the action. Besides being a Hulk-movie it was planned to be a pilot for planned Daredevil series. Pretty assistant Christa Klein (Nancy Everhard) would have become the romantic interest for Daredevil if the series had ever been made. The action is good and John-Rhys Davies has the essence of the powerful gangster boss. Lou Ferrigno has a mute role again, showing a bit more strength than in "The Incredible Hulk Returns" The melancholic mood of the previous Hulk-movie remains in the end.

Christa Klein

Hulk's creator Stan Lee can be seen in the jury.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Bill Bixby, Lou Ferrigno, Marta DuBois, Nancy Everhard, Nicholas Hormann, Richard Cummings Jr., Joseph Mascolo, John Rhys-Davies, Rex Smith, Linda Darlow, John Novak, Dwight Koss, Meredith Bain Woodward, Mark Acheson, Richard Newman, Don MacKay, Doug Abrahams, Mitchell Kosterman, Beatrice Zeilinger, Ken Camroux-Taylor, Charles Andre, John 'Bear' Curtis, Stan Lee, Michael O'Hare
Director: Bill Bixby

Avengers Grimm
The Asylum, USA, 2015.

Naughty wizard Rumpelstiltskin (Casper Van Dien) has raised a rebellion to destroy a magic kingdom. The King has been murdered so vengeance runs cold. Queen Snow White (Lauren Parkinson) escapes through Magic Mirror to real world taking Rumpelstiltskin with him.

Rumpelstiltskin

Snow White

Cinderella (Milynn Sarley), Sleeping Beauty (Marah Fairclough) and Rapunzel (Rileah Vanderbilt) follow and also lone wolf Red Riding Hood (Elizabeth Peterson) who is hunting the evil Wolf (Kimo Leopoldo). In the human world Rumpelstiltskin has already corrupted the police force. Wolf murders some tough guys in a bar and frames Red Riding hood. Gang boss Iron John (Lou Ferrigno) is not happy for losing his men. He becomes a pawn in the game of good vs evil when Rumpelstiltskin turns him into Iron Man. Can the Princesses stop Rumpelstiltskin before he corrupts the world?

Wolf

Marah Fairclough, Milynn Sarley and Rileah Vanderbilt

Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Rapunzel

Red Riding Hood

The Princesses are tough fighters and have special powers. Snow White can freeze things. Sleeping Beauty can make people sleep. Rapunzel has a flailing hair. Cinderella can cast transforming spells. Red Riding Hood has a bow with Rambo's arsenal of different arrows. Too bad their personalities are not very different from each other to make them more interesting. Now Snow White and Red Riding Hood are the most vengeful, and Cinderella the most empathetic, the rest being somewhere between. Casper van Dien has his guarenteed style, so Casper fans rejoice. Surprisingly Lou Ferrigno's character is the most interesting.

Iron John

As far the special effects go, Asylum is evolving to having TV-level effects and some of the action scenes are pretty good so you don't have to dig out your eyes out with a spoon. Clearly there has been more ambitious touch here. "Once Upon a Time" and "Avengers" combined would make an interesting film in the hands of right folks, too bad that the story here is so generic. So it is not good or original enough to be a good film, but not bad enough to make it funny, leaving it into average territory of low budget direct to video films. Close but no cigar.

Rating:

Average

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Lauren Parkinson, Lou Ferrigno, Milynn Sarley, Marah Fairclough, Rileah Vanderbilt, Elizabeth Peterson, Kimo Leopoldo, Andrew E. Tilles, Justine Herron, Henry Foster Brown, Jonathan Medina, Jonathan Nation, Daniel Nemes, Andrew Pinon, Pete Capella, Cale Schultz, Adam Night, Kevin Yarbrough, DuJuan Korei, Bryan Dietzman, Beach Eastwood, Brian Gilleece, Brandon Greenawalt, Justy Hutchins, Paul Kearschner, Ryan Mckenney, Corey Weber, Chris Yong, Nickolas Nielsen
Director: Jeremy M. Inman

Dead Before Dawn (2012) a.k.a Dead Before Dawn 3D
WANGO Films, Canada, 2012.

Halloween is near, so it is time to watch horror films. Finnish blogger ...noir challenged bloggers to watch eight horror films during October, so October Belongs to Horror (Lokakuu kuuluu kauhulle).

My first choice is a Canadian indie horror comedy.

Casper Galloway (Devon Bostick, known for "Diary of a Wimpy Kid") is a clumsy college kid. He goes to help his Grandpa Horus (Christopher Lloyd) to take care of occult shop. His friends come shopping and an ancient demon is freed. Bit like "Ghostbusters" they have to select the form of pestilence, so they conjure up wacky rules involving idea of suicidal people turning into half demon half zombie monsters who infect the cursed by giving hickeys.

...
..
.

Right-o.

Casper Galloway

Horus

So everyone they look into eyes start killing themselves and turning into zemons. Along with Casper there are Casper's secret love interest Charlotte (Martha MacIsaac, known for "Superbad"), charmingly ditzy cheerleader Lucy (Brittany Allen, who will appear in the next "Saw" movie "Jigsaw"), Caspers friends Dazzle (Brandon Jay McLaren) and Becky (director April Mullen), mug entrepreuner Seth (Tim Doiron who wrote the script) and Charlotte's meanie boyfriend jock Patrick (Kyle Schmid). There is a way to break the curse but the time limit is tight. If the curse is not broken before next morning they will all die. The night will be long and bloody.

Charlotte and Lucy

Brandon Jay McLaren, Tim Doiron and April Mullen

Dazzle, Seth and Becky

Hillbilly zemons (Max Topplin and Marty Adams)

There are so many zombie horror-comedies that it is refreshing that someone tries to have some new ideas and create eccentric characters even if they are basically stereotypes (a loser, two jocks, two cheerleaders, pothead and a tough girl). Although some of the jokes are more lame than funny, there are many moments of genuine hilarity. There was a funny way to show flashbacks and one of the character was obsessed with hotdogs. Christopher Lloyd is always good and in one scene he uttered his famous quote: "Great Scott!" As far as the action went, it was semi-gory, not showing the bloodiest kills but still there was more gore than would be expected from the Finnish age rating 12. Has the The Finnish Board of Film Classification been sloppy? Otherwise the tone was not too serious, even with some basically tragic events. But so it is usually with these zombie comedies, and this makes a fun Halloween viewing if you like dumb humour.

Lucy's weapon of choice

Seth's new friend (Kent Churly) comes to visit

This was the first Canadian 3D film. I do not believe that I missed anything by watching the 2D version. Couple of CGI-explosions looked awful, otherwise the effects were okay for the budget. As the actors had a lot of experience of films and TV-shows, the acting was good (although comically ver the top) and the actors were clearly having fun.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Devon Bostick, Martha MacIsaac, Christopher Lloyd, Brandon Jay McLaren, Brittany Allen, Kyle Schmid, Tim Doiron, April Mullen, Kevin McDonald, Ellen Dubin, Rossif Sutherland, Dru Viergever, Benjamin Ayres, Max Topplin, Marty Adams, Jacob Ewaniuk, Boyd Banks, Melissa Jane Shaw, Michael Xavier, Meg Walter, Melanie Mullen, Mickey Moon, Tammy Young, Kent Churly, Kevin Jennings, Jack Benard, Byron Abalos, Chris Baker, Adam Buller, Luke Higginson, John Benard, Darryl Doiron, Nicholas Spencer Murray, Daniel M. Veldman

Director: April Mullen

The Moonlight Sonata (Kuutamosonaatti)
Filminor, Finland, 1988.

Horror was for a long time a rare genre in Finland. In the 1980s tough film censorship comparable to British Video Nasty laws made sure that seeing many classics of genre films was only possible via smuggled bootleg video tapes. The Finnish horror films were countable on one hand's fingers. In 1988 director Olli Soinio made a cult hillbilly horror film in the vein of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" being a rare example of Finnish horror of that era.

Disturbed Family Kyyrölä lives on the countryside. Puritanic Mother (Soli Labbart) and her son Arvo (Kari Sorvali) keep Arvo's animal-like brother Sulo (Mikko Kivinen) locked in the basement. During the full moon the boys get insane. One night Sulo escapes and joins a gang of wolves.

Mother

Arvo

Sulo

Fashion model Anni Stark (Tiina Björkman) has run into some kind of scandal and gets enough of publicity. Manager Carli (Ville-Veikko Salminen) thinks that maybe vacation on the countryside would be cool her nerves. Motel manager (Risto Salmi) is hesitant to take visitors. But he arranges a desolate skiing cabin for Anni and her dog Ebba. In no time perverted Arvo starts to stalk her even stealing her panties.

Anni

Carli

Johannes

Annis's little brother Johannes (Kim Gunell) comes to see Anni. For Arvo tractor is like a chainsaw for Leatherface, so the maniac chases them in the forest. The local people look only barely more normal than the folks from "Deliverance" and they do nothing to help. Getting away alive from the degenerate village is harder than it seems.

Tractor from hell

Local hunks

There is no question that the film will mean more to the Finnish audience (it was never meant for international publication). For me it has always been a proof that we can do genre savvy horror in Finland too. Arvo's demented one-liners have become cult favourite's. "Let's do mittens out of the cat" says Arvo when he looks at Anni's dog.

Stylish wintery cinematography and Antti Hytti's creepy soundtrack create an unnerving mood. The dialogue is scarce and for the most part it is monologue of Arvo. Likewise the bodycount is very low for a horror film. Even so the Kyyrölä Brothers are enjoyably demented horror villains. One weird nostalgic event is the cameo of Toivo Tuomainen as a shopkeeper. Toivo was known from electronic store 'Musta Pörssi' commercials as bustling salesman Topi, but here even he looks creepy.

Shopkeeper

Tiina Björkman in the main role is pretty, but mostly her acting here consists of looking worried and running away. Still in the second half she learns to fight back. Too bad her movie career was short, she had roles only in six movies, and she pursued a different career. Other actors Ville-Veikko Salminen, Mikko Kivinen, Kari Sorvali, Risto Salmi and Soli Labbart have all had a long career in Finnish movies, theater and TV-series. For some reason the movie is known in Germany as "Muttertag 2 - Die Söhne sind zurück" (with no connection whatsoever to Troma's "Mother's Day."). There is also a sequel that goes more to the direction of horror comedy.

Rating:

Very good

Starring: Tiina Björkman, Kim Gunell, Ville-Veikko Salminen, Kari Sorvali, Mikko Kivinen, Soli Labbart, Risto Salmi, Toivo Tuomainen, Esa Anttila, Masaaki Hashimoto, Juuso Ruohomäki, Arthur Fuhrmann, Kai Honkanen, Matti Kuortti, Rolf Labbart, Jouko Lumme
Director: Olli Soinio

Army of Zombies (Kuutamosonaatti II: Kadunlakaisijat)
Filminor, Finland, 1991.

...And in Germany this is known as "Muttertag 3."

The first film "Kuutamosonaatti" was darkly fun agrarian horror cult film. Sadly the sequel loses the horror momentum and the result is a confusing mess.

Most of the Kyyrölä family died in the first film. Mother froze to death and Arvo burned to crisp. Only animal-like giant Sulo (Mikko Kivinen) remained. Sulo takes the remains of his family to a sauna, because if a good sauna won't help then nothing will. And so Mother (Soli Labbart) and pervy brother Arvo (Kari Sorvali) revive. Arvo is more slack-jawed than before (his jawbone falls several times), but that will heal over time. They can also revive Father Kyyrölä (Erkki Pajala) who drowned into swamp when he was smuggling moonshine.

Sulo

Arvo

It is time for Arvo to go find a job in Helsinki. Nosy social workers come to the farm so the Kyyrölä's sink them into swamp. There is some recession era satire when Arvo tries several jobs. In Helsinki Arvo gets a job entertaining Russian tourists. A better job opens up as driver of street sweeping machine (therefore justifying the Finnish name of the movie: "Street Sweepers." Finally he starts living by selling moonshine. Beautiful singer Kata Kärkkäinen (former Playboy-model and nowadays writer, artist and media-persona) catches Arvo's eye this time, but compared to the first film the threat is mild.

Arvo's bachelor pad

Kata Kärkkäinen

Mother Kyyrölä gets worried that Arvo is living a sinful life in the city. So Mother and Sulo have to find Arvo and put him under control As a funny detail everyone in Helsinki seems to originate from Kyyrölä-village (satirizing the movement of country people to the cities). On the way to find Arvo, the Kyyrölä's meet yuppies, inept cops and social workers who all look like Finnish actor Matti Pellonpää. So far so good. Even as the horror aspect was lost, there could have been some funny contrast to the first film when the hellbillies moved into big city.

Matti Tuominen as the leader of Red Guard zombies

Matti Pellonpää as social worker

But the focus shifts and it is difficult to say what the makers had in mind. Father Kyyrölä revives a squad of Red Guard soldiers who were executed during the Civil War. With their leader Edward Allan Kilpinen (Matti Tuominen) the zombie communists travel to Helsinki to continue the revolution. Bumbling around, they meet various people including the Minister of Culture (Miitta Sorvali, who is Kari Sorvali's comedian wife).

Minister of Culture (Miitta Sorvali)

And so on. Kyyrölä brothers sell hazardous moonshine, and cause a ruckus in Miss Helsinki contest (hosted by era's popular game show host Jorma Pulkkinen), chase Kata in amusement park Linnanmäki and escape cops. But the film is basically plotless and the story goes nowhere. Arvo still has some funny one-liners but everything is watered down. It is still recommended to watch once to see the further adventures of the Kyyröläs. However the experience is quite painful.

Jorma Pulkkinen

Finnish Ramopunk band 'Ne Luumäet' made a song inspired by the film with the chorus: "'You shouldn't stare too much at the street sweeper. He comes and kills. And when he kills, then you die.'

Rating:

Bad

Starring: Soli Labbart, Kari Sorvali, Mikko Kivinen, Erkki Pajala, Keijo Komppa, Matti Tuominen, Ilkka Koivula, Esa Anttila, Seppo Juusonen, Jussi Tuominen, Katariina Souri, Mikko Nousiainen, Vesa Vierikko, Leena Rapola, Veli Tuomas-Kettunen, Olavi Tervahartiala, Veikko Tiitinen, Jouko Klemettilä, Matti Pellonpää, Juha Häkkänen, Toivo Tuomainen, Martti Kuisma, Anne Nielsen, Aulis Hämäläinen, Pentti Louko, Tauno Karvonen, Miitta Sorvali, Ulla Tapaninen, Jari Järvimaa, Jorma Pulkkinen, Sari Havas, Risto Aaltonen, Harri Hyttinen, Lina Ignatova, Pirjo Kotimäki, Sonja Lindén, Marjo Louhe, Pia Nolvi, Anne Pakkanen, Albena Petrova, Ranja Rannikko, Anne Styrman, Satu Tuuliluoto, Minna Aaltonen
Director: Olli Soinio

Lake Bodom (Bodom)
Don Films, Münchhausen Productions, Finland, Estonia, 2016.

In 1960s four camping youths were attacked and stabbed at Lake Bodom with only one survivor. The culprit was never found. A half century later four teens decide to travel to the lake to solve the mystery. Ida-Maria (Nelly Hirst-Gee) has strictly religious parents and she has a personal trauma. Tough girl Nora (Mimosa Willamo) is her best friend. Elias (Mikael Gabriel) is the cool chick-magnet guy, and Atte (Santeri Helinheimo Mäntylä) is the geek.

Nora

Ida-Maria

Mikael Gabriel and Santeri Helinheimo Mäntylä

Elias and Atte

Atte has a theory about the murder and he has gone into details to re-enact the crime scene. Elias has something other in mind than playing detective. The night comes and scary things move in the woods. When real murders begin, can someone get out alive?

Murderer murders

There are rare teen slashers made in Finland and even less are watchable (*cough* "Nightmare" and "Nightmare 2"). As a genre film "Bodom" fulfills the expectations well, and couple of twists have been written to the story to make it less straightforward. For seasoned horror veterans the twists are not too surprising, but are there to make things more interesting for casual horror audiences. There is also a thrilling scene of vehicular horror. Atmospheric cinematography and murky ambient sound track help to create the sinister mood. Rapper Mikael Gabriel plays mainly himself, Santeri Helinheimo Mäntylä's Atte stays a bit enigmatic and the girls make the strongest roles. And no wonder Mimosa Willamo got awards for her role. The film gained some success in international film festivals. Hopefully this encourages other Finnish film makers to experiment with genre films.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Nelly Hirst-Gee, Mimosa Willamo, Mikael Gabriel, Santeri Helinheimo Mäntylä, Pirjo Moilanen, Ilkka Heiskanen, Sami Eerola, Otso Ahosola, Ville Saksela, Iiris Kankkunen, Tommi Korpela, Jarkko Niemi

Director: Taneli Mustonen

Dead Rising: Watchtower
Legendary Digital Media, Contradiction Films, Di Bonaventura Pictures, Dead Rising Productions, USA, Canada, 2015.

Based on Capcom's video game series.

Reporter Chase Carter (Jesse Metcalfe) is making a scoop about zombie epidemic with photographer Jordan (Keegan Connor Tracy). The infected must use Zombrex-medicine once a day to avoid being turned into zombies. But the drug stops working and soon the street are full of hungry monsters.

Chase Carter

Jordan

The army starts firebombing the city after time limit is reached. The survivor celebrity of the previous outbreak Frank West (Rob Riggle) comments the happenings in his bluntly realistic style so that the interviewer rolls her eyes. As a comical relief, Frank is a bit like Bruce Campbell's Ash. Jordan's side mission is to seek allies outside the quarantine area to help Chase get out. The goverment officials General Lyons (Dennis Haysbert) and Norton (Gary Jones) have their orders, but can either of them be trusted?

Frank West

General Lyons and Norton

Chase joins forces with Crystal (Meghan Ory) who has her own supply of Zombrex that works. There is a sinister conspiracy behind the recent outbreak. A bit of tragedy is brought by Maggie (Virginia Madsen) who is searching for her lost daughter. It will not end well...

Crystal

Maggie and the other heroes assess the situation

The story goes on with familiar structure of video games. There are occasional boss fights and improvised weapons such as power tools attached to mallets, chainsaws and shovel-swords. The highlights include fights against Bonzo the Zombie Clown (C. Ernst Harth) and psychotic biker gang leader Logan (Aleks Paunovic).

Logan

Bonzo the Zombie Clown

These are useful for cutting down zombies

As a video game movie this is faithful to the world of the original games, satisfying the video game fans. There is not much new added to the genre but otherwise the story is passable. Over the top zombie mayhem is good although sometimes also quite tasteless even for considering the zombie topic. The action has some well designed scenes such as long one-shot scene where Chase escapes zombies climbing over cars and a school bus. Also the combo weapons are wacky and inventive. Entertaining stuff although the almost two-hour duration could have been condensed. The cast has familiar faces from TV shows, pretty co-stars and Jesse Metcalfe fits the role of hotshot reporter hero. The movie ends in a way that sequel is inevitable.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Jesse Metcalfe, Meghan Ory, Virginia Madsen, Keegan Connor Tracy, Aleks Paunovic, Dennis Haysbert, Gary Jones, Carrie Genzel, Rob Riggle, Reese Alexander, Harley Morenstein, Julia Benson, Peter Benson, Darren Dolynski, Patrick Sabongui, Travis MacDonald, Michael Bean, Sachin Sahel, Khaira Ledeyo, James Yi, Colton Quan, Manny Jacinto, David Lyle, Gaston Morrison, Todd Thomson, C. Ernst Harth, Taya Clyne, Nickolas Baric, Ed Brando, Paul Lazenby, Jen Soska, Sylvia Soska, Mark Wilmot

Director: Zach Lipovsky

Dead Rising: Endgame
Legendary Digital Media, DR2 Productions, Contradiction Films, Sony Pictures Entertainment, USA, Canada, 2016.

Watching "Dead Rising: Watchtower" first is a must the plot will be difficult to grasp. Two years after the zombie outbreak of the first film military and pharmaceutical company Phenotrans are kidnapping people. Chase (Jesse Metcalfe) is trying to expose the conspiracy and find his former photographer Jordan (Keegan Connor Tracy) but he gets cold shoulder from his TV-channel who are afraid to publish the scoop. His workmates Sandra (Marie Avgeropoulos) and Jill (Jessica Harmon) have different opinions about continuing the crusade. Well, it is better do do something soon as naughty General Lyons (Dennis Haysbert) plans to destroy everyone who knows about the conspiracy.

Chase Carter

Sandra and Jill

Defected company scientis Hancock (Ian Tracey) tells about project Afterlife. Military plans to kill all the 1.5 million who are getting treatment for the zombie virus. Chase, Sandra, Hancock and weapons dealer Garth (Patrick Sabongui) form a team to save the infected. The clock is ticking and the heroes have to infiltrate a server farm in zombie-infested area. The zombies have previously been of the slow type, but now new genetically-altered bald-headed zombies appear, and boy are they fast. Scientist named Rand (Billy Zane) has been doing secret experiments. Jordan returns, but she is not her usual self and no wonder considering what has been done to her.

Let's go to work

Jordan

Rand

The sequel is less-like video game, the horror is a bit more effective and gorier. Still the improvised weapons are in use, but they seem more practical than the crazy gadgets of the first film. Over all the plot feels more serious, leaving less room for black comedy or cool boss fights which is a loss. Still there are good action scenes and Chase has evolved into zombie slayer who chops zombies like there is no tomorrow. The end fight is quite awesome. In the end Chuck Greene (Victor Webster) from game "Dead Rising 2" can be seen. I wouldn't be surprised if a sequel would follow, as the end leaves the plot lines hanging.

Chuck Greene

Rating:

Good

Starring: Jesse Metcalfe, Marie Avgeropoulos, Ian Tracey, Keegan Connor Tracy, Jessica Harmon, Patrick Sabongui, Camille Sullivan, Jim Thorburn, Billy Zane, Dennis Haysbert, Teach Grant, Lee Majdoub, Sandy Robson, Donavon Stinson, Peter Kelamis, Ben Cotton, Viv Leacock, Luvia Petersen, Stephen Lobo, Dakota Guppy, Curtis Lum, Heather Roop, Jim Shield, Victor Webster, Sarah Lindsay, Joshua Roy, Peter Brown, Naomi Kyle

Director: Pat Williams

Romasanta The Werewolf Hunt a.k.a The Werewolf Manhunt a.k.a Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of Romasanta a.k.a Werewolf Hunter

Filmax, Future Films, Fantastic Factory (Filmax), Castelao Producciones, Spain, UK, 2004.

Based on a true story about Spanish serial killer Manuel Blanco Romasanta, "The Werewolf of Allariz."

1851 Spain. Young women are being torn apart by wolves. Merchant Manuel Romasanta (Julian Sands) returns to village to meet his girlfriend Maria (Maru Valdivielso). Maria has sister Bárbara (Elsa Pataky, known for "Fast and Furious"-series) and mute daughter Teresa (Luna McGill). As Bárbara has crush on Manuel, jealous Maria moves to Santander with Manuel and Teresa, leaving Bárbara behind. But Manuel has dark and sadistic tendencies.

Manuel Romasanta

Maria

Bárbara

Teresa and Maria are murdered. Charming Manuel targets Bárbara next. Unbeknowingly Bárbara falls in love with him, but soon starts to see that something is wrong. Wandering madman Antonio (John Sharian) believes that Manuel is a werewolf. Professor Philips (David Gant) is a phrenologist and believes that manuel is insane. District Attorney Luciano de la Bastida (Gary Piquer) does not know what to believe. Bárbara wants revenge and so she participates to hunt Manuel.

Not a werewolf

Antonio

Professor Philips

This is an unconventional werewolf-movie and leaves open the question if Romasanta was a real werewolf or not. Moody horror drama (point being on drama) has slow-burning suspense, nice cinematography and good actors. As the style is of period drama many horror-fans expecting werewolf action will be disappointed even if the killings are brutal. Julian Sands who is always cast as handsome but more or less dubious characters. If he is the Beast, then Elsa Pataky is the Beauty, giving romantic spice to the story. Director Paco Plaza later directed the effective [REC]-zombie movies.

Rating:

Good

Starring: Julian Sands, Elsa Pataky, John Sharian, Gary Piquer, David Gant, Maru Valdivielso, Luna McGill, Carlos Reig-Plaza, Reg Wilson, Ivana Baquero, Laura Mañá, Sergi Ruiz, Itziar Fenollar, Carlos Sante, Jaume Montané, Arantxa Peña, Anna Estellés, Ben Temple, Tacho González, Pep García, Alejandra Juno, Jesús Berenguer, John Easthman, Macarena Gómez

Director: Paco Plaza

Mostly Ghostly: Have You Met My Ghoulfriend? a.k.a R.L. Stine's Mostly Ghostly 2: Have You Met My Ghoulfriend?

Universal 1440 Entertainment, Commotion Pictures, Lookout Entertainment, USA, 2014.

Halloween movie for the whole family, based on the book by R.L. Stine.

Max (Ryan Ochoa) goes to walk his dog on cemetery. Max has a ring that protects from evil ghosts. He even has ghost friends Tara (Madison Pettis) and Nicky (Roshon Fegan). Eevil ghost wizard Phears (Charlie Hewson) wants to raise a ghost army. Phears looks like Nosferatu with pointy teeth and hair.

Ryan Ochoa, Madison Pettis and Roshon Fegan

Max, Tara and Nicky

Phears

Cammy

Max likes cute redhead Cammy (Bella Thorne) but she is not very interested in him. Grandma (Joan Rivers in her last role) and parents give tips about girls. Nicky and Tara are trying to find their parents. In the evening Max and the ghosts search for clues at school. Surprise! Cammy is also there setting up Halloween decorations. Little by little Max begins to look more interesting to her.

Grandma and Cousin Shelley

Max has to survive PE-lessons, there he gets help from his ghost-friends (that's ghost-doping!) As a weird detail PE-teacher (Carolyn Hennesy) has named all the gym equipment. Phears sends ghost dancer Emma (Caroline Lagerfelt/Anastasia Baranov) to steal Max's ring, but she targets annoying big brother Colin (Calum Worthy) instead. Comical possessions and ghostly pranks follow. Teacher Mrs. Wright (Juliette Cohen, who plays teacher in all of the "Mostly Ghostly" movies) tries to keep the order in the classroom with poor results. Emma isn't evil but she was tricked by Phears, so Emma loans her athletic skills to Max.

Emma (Anastasia Baranov)

Mrs. Wright

It seems that this is a sequel to "Mostly Ghostly" (2008), flashbacks in the beginning reveal what happened previously. It is curious that the sequel took so many years. This is not the best R.L. Stine filmatization, "Haunting Hour" (2007) was more entertaining spooky fun. This movie suffers from overtrying to entertain with (cheap) special effects and having a weird pacing, the main story ends and the movie still goes on for 15 minutes. Only appearance of Phears is in any way scary, overall the adventure is too comical to be creepy. For younger kids the spooky gimmicks are quite safe as Halloween entertainment. Some fun is also there when Max performs magic tricks. In the beginning Max is kind of underdog requiring help from the ghosts all the time, but the lesson is that he must learn to trust his own skills.

Colin and Max escape evil ghouls

Ali Eagle who has a non-speaking role here appeared year later in "Lake Placid vs Anaconda" as sarcastic goth.

Rating:

Average

Starring: Bella Thorne, Ryan Ochoa, Roshon Fegan, Madison Pettis, Charlie Hewson, Calum Worthy, Eric Allan Kramer, Gigi Rice, Joan Rivers, Ali Eagle, Caroline Lagerfelt, Anastasia Baranova, Marc Kenneth Robinson, Casey Young, Wyatt Bernard, Eric Julian Shaw, Adi Shankar, Carolyn Hennesy, Juliette Cohen, Hank Donovan, Abbey Blake, Mary Passeri, Elsie Hewitt, Chelsea Vale, Jordan Bailey, Nick Bemrose, Ilia Constantine, Sherilyn Henderson, Benjamin Levy, Scott P. Martin, Scott P. Martin, Danny Mika, Nino Nava, Isabella Revel, Jan-Michael Rosner, Joe Sobalo Jr.

Director: Peter Hewitt

The playful 8 horror movie watching challenge from ...noir ends. The event gave finally some "excuses" to watch Finnish cult classic "Kuutamosonaatti" as well as new contender "Bodom" as well as some wacky zombie films "Dead Before Dawn" and "Dead Rising: Watchtower."

There were many other horror films that I planned to watch but October ends to soon. Partial blame is to Lou Ferrigno marathon in the beginning of October that went on a bit longer than expected. Well, those other scary flicks will be watched sooner or later anyways. For example these were left unwatched this time:

Now it is time to eat some Dracula-themed candies that I didn't know they were still manufacturing.

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October Belongs to Horror #1: Dead Before Dawn (2012)

October Belongs to Horror #2: The Moonlight Sonata (Kuutamosonaatti)

October Belongs to Horror #3: Army of Zombies (Kuutamosonaatti II: Kadunlakaisijat)

October Belongs to Horror #4: Lake Bodom (Bodom)

October Belongs to Horror #5: Dead Rising: Watchtower

October Belongs to Horror #6: Dead Rising: Endgame

October Belongs to Horror #7: Romasanta The Werewolf Hunt

October Belongs to Horror #8: Mostly Ghostly: Have You Met My Ghoulfriend?

Happy Halloween! October Belongs to Horror Recap